Why Does Expressing Gratitude Seem More Awkward in Advance?

When you consider writing to thank someone who once helped you, two questions may arrive first: Will it sound sentimental? Are my words good enough? That hesitation is not a reliable measure of how awkward the recipient will actually feel.

In a 2018 study, Kumar and Epley asked participants to write gratitude letters, predict how surprised, positive and awkward recipients would feel, and then surveyed the recipients. On average, writers underestimated recipients’ positive feelings and overestimated their awkwardness. Writers were particularly concerned about expressing themselves competently, while recipients placed more weight on the warmth and sincerity conveyed. We use our own discomfort as a model of the reader’s experience without fully shifting into the reader’s position.

This does not mean every expression of thanks will be welcome, nor does it establish a universal rule that a letter improves a relationship. Participants chose people who had positively affected them, and the studies mainly examined written messages. Conflict, power differences, cultural norms and insincere wording may change the response, and an immediate reaction does not establish a lasting effect.

The measured conclusion is practical: when thanks are specific, sincere and ask for nothing in return, perfect phrasing need not be a condition of sending them. Say what the person did and why it mattered to you. What we often misjudge is not whether gratitude has value, but whether our anxiety about expressing it describes the other person’s experience.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29949445/