Why Do We Underestimate How Much a New Conversation Partner Liked Us?

After speaking with someone new, it is easy to replay the exchange: “Did I talk too much? Was that comment boring?” Yet the other person may have found the conversation easy and enjoyed our company more than we imagine. Psychologists call this mismatch the liking gap: on average, people underestimate how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed the interaction.

In five studies published in 2018, Boothby and colleagues asked strangers to report both how much they liked their partner and how much they believed their partner liked them. Across shorter and longer conversations, people’s estimates were generally lower than their partners’ actual reports. A similar gap appeared as new university flatmates got to know one another. The researchers also found that participants were not simply failing to send warm signals. When judging themselves, however, people had unusually direct access to their own internal monologue: every pause and awkward phrase was available to them, while the other person’s comparable self-scrutiny remained hidden.

This is not a promise that everyone likes us. The studies compare average self-reports, and samples, relationships, culture and particular conversations can alter the result; a polite response is not the same as a close bond. The safer conclusion is that post-conversation self-criticism is not a reliable mind-reading device. Without clear evidence of rejection, treating one slightly awkward exchange as a failure usually goes beyond what the available information supports.

https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797618783714